I'll Stay Page 4

  “Thanks,” I said. “This is really nice of you.”

  “Don’t matter none to me.” And then he walked into a back room and shut the door. But he’d left the lights on in the kitchen area and the back door was open. Had he gone to bed for the night? Should we turn off the lights?

  We took turns changing and brushing our teeth in the bathroom. We draped our wet shorts and sweatshirts on the chair next to us. Then I spread my sleeping bag onto the rug and crawled inside. Lee rolled out her bag next to mine and glanced at the back door, then at the window in front of us. “I don’t know about this.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  At least the floor was clean and it was quiet and dry. I was so tired that it hurt to keep my eyes open. I yawned. “It’s better than Donny’s place.”

  Lee sat cross-legged on her sleeping bag. Then she got on her knees, reached for her wet clothes, and began stuffing them into her backpack.

  “You should pack everything up and sleep with your backpack.” She put her flip-flops next to her pillow and shoved her backpack into her sleeping bag. “I know guys like this from home. I’m not sure I trust him.”

  If she didn’t trust Charlie, why did she agree to come here? But she rarely referred to guys from home, only to tell me once—when she was wasted—that she’d slept with some “questionable characters.” This was one of several things that we didn’t have in common. I’d only slept with Ben.

  “What’s he going to do, steal our backpacks in the middle of the night?”

  “The karma is off,” she said. “I just have a weird vibe.”

  Ben thought Lee was “flaky” when I told him that she believed places gave off vibrations. But part of me felt it here, too. I packed my backpack and pushed it into my sleeping bag. I wiggled in, not sure how I’d sleep with this wet mound.

  Lee stood and put her hands on her hips. She wore baggy green Army fatigues, cut off mid-thigh, that she’d bought freshman year at the Army-Navy Surplus store and a tight white tank top, faded to gray. I’d seen this outfit so many times that I could close my eyes and see the uneven hem, the rip on the back pocket, the slight hole below her left shoulder where she’d caught the shirt on the window frame in her room. I thought about how my mother had looked her up and down that first morning on the Vineyard when Lee had walked outside in this outfit.

  Later, of course, it didn’t matter what Lee wore. My mother was so charmed by her, so impressed by her ambition, her intelligence, her joie de vivre, that Lee could have worn a tent and it would have been so interesting.

  Lee stepped forward and drummed her fingers on the window frame as she looked out. Then she unclasped the lock and opened the window a few inches. Cool, humid, wet air rushed into the room. Like Donny’s window, this one didn’t have a screen and now I knew how the cockroaches got in.

  “If you’re so worried about being robbed, why are you opening the window?”

  Lee whipped around, angry, and dropped to her knees in front of me. Her long, dark hair fell over her shoulders and the muscles in her cheeks flexed. But then her dark eyes filled with tears and her thick lips trembled and she brought her hands to her face and cried, “Nothing I say or do is right. Why are you so mean to me?”

  “I’m not trying to be mean,” I said.

  “Then what would you call it?”

  “I don’t know!” I felt my cheeks redden. No, we absolutely weren’t going to have another talk about our friendship. Not again.

  She slumped forward. “It’s my fault. I’m so stressed out and sad and I don’t know why. I feel sick all the time. I can’t sleep and when I do I have those terrible dreams. That you won’t talk to me. That you’re ditching me.”

  “I’m not ditching you,” I said.

  “It feels so horrible to be so out of sync. You’re the only person who really knows me. You’re the only person I’ve ever really talked to.”

  “And that’s too much goddam responsibility!” I yelled. “I don’t want it!”

  My words seemed to hang in the air between us. Outside, car doors slammed. A dog barked. A siren wailed, close and closer, then faded away. And still the rain came down. I couldn’t see it but heard it slapping the ground outside the window.

  Lee straightened and pulled her hair behind her. She walked over to the counter, turned off the overhead light, turned on a light above the stove, and shut the door. Then she switched off the floor lamp, crawled into her sleeping bag, and faced away from me. The humid yet cool breeze through the window made me shiver. The dim stove light cast long shadows across the room. Across us.

  I knew that I was the only person to whom she’d ever confided. She hadn’t told anyone about the benefactor from her hometown that paid for her tuition and board, or the boys she’d slept with or her high school track coach’s unwanted advances or how insecure she felt about being poor. I’d wanted to hear these things. I liked being her confidant. I’d felt so honored. But then she became so demanding, so difficult, and wasn’t I right that it was too much responsibility? To be the only one? God, I was so frustrated and tired. Maybe I wasn’t thinking clearly.

  “Lee,” I said. Her head was tucked in the crook of her arm and her shoulders seemed to tremble, as if she were quietly crying. I began to worry. Maybe Lee had been seriously depressed this year and I didn’t realize it.

  Charlie walked out of the bedroom, still dressed in the jeans and wet T-shirt he’d worn earlier. He opened the back door and two guys came in. They stood against the sink, talking. One of them opened the refrigerator, pulled out beers, and handed them around. The cans popped and hissed when opened.

  I turned my head and watched Lee slowly roll over. We were face-to-face, but she was looking over my shoulder at the guys. I opened my mouth to say something but she whispered, just loud enough for me to hear, “I think we’re in trouble.”

  CHAPTER 3

  One guy was bald and wore jeans and a faded black jean jacket. The other was tall and broad with long, frizzy blond hair. He wore a blue tank top and gym shorts one size too small and he kept shifting his bare feet, bouncing his shoulders, twitching his arms. I thought about the crazy guy from earlier tonight who came through the window wearing only a bathing suit. Was this guy on acid, too?

  I tried to listen to what they were saying. Donny. A deal. Fucking asshole.

  Then the jittery man saw us. When he kept jerking his head back and forth between us and the other two, I felt my heartbeat quicken. I whispered, “Lee?”

  “I know.” Her voice was soft again but firm.

  “Hey, girls.” He turned to us, hands on hips. “Wanna party?”

  “We’re pretty beat,” Lee said. “But thanks.”

  They began whispering again. The guy in the jean jacket tipped his head back and guzzled his beer. Then they walked over and sat, Charlie in the chair, the other two on the couch. Jittery Man’s bare feet were inches from my face. Despite being wet from the rain, they were black with dirt and his toenails were long and chipped; thick, dark, curly hair covered the top of each toe. Never, not even at sleepaway camp, had I seen feet so worn and dirty. I had to keep swallowing so I wouldn’t gag.

  “Not every day you have girls in your house, Charlie,” the bald guy said.

  Charlie snickered. Jittery Man sneezed and ran the back of his hand across his nose. Rain dripped from his hair onto his bare shoulders but I didn’t think he felt it. His glassy eyes flitted around the room. Did he even know where he was?

  Gums throbbing, heart racing, stomach roiling. I sucked in small breaths, trying to control myself. But my senses were wired and alert, screaming, as if a fire alarm raged through me. Danger! Danger! I knew Lee felt it, too. We stayed quiet and still as if this, somehow, would make them go away. As if this could help us.

  “Come on, get up.” The bald guy nudged Lee with the tip of his black boot.

  “Maybe they don’t want to,” Charlie said.

  “You’re a fu
cking pussy.” The bald guy laughed although he wasn’t smiling. “You’re always a fucking pussy, Charlie.”

  “Fuck you, Owen!”

  “Come on, come on, come on, up, up, up!” Jittery Man took his fingers across his dripping nose, wiped them on the couch cushion and began bouncing.

  “What the hell?” Charlie yelled. “That’s my new couch. You’re a fucking idiot.”

  “Better to be a fucking idiot than a fucking pussy,” Owen said.

  Jittery Man let loose a long, creepy laugh. “Hhhhhaaaaaaaa!”

  Charlie glared at Owen and then leaned forward, elbows on knees, until he was directly over us. “Time to get up, girls.”

  I just knew that those scars across his jaw were from terrible acne. His face must have been covered in swollen pimples and ugly blackheads and how difficult that was for him, growing up with such a challenge. We all have challenges. That was what I wanted to say. That was what I wanted him to know. Me, Lee. Everyone.

  Lee and I scooted close to each other. When Charlie leaned back and told Owen to fuck himself again, Lee whispered, “Get your bag. We’ll go out the window.”

  And then we were up, backpacks on our backs, pillows and sleeping bags swooped up in our arms. Lee slipped into her flip-flops.

  “Whoa, they’re jumping beans!” Jittery Man cried.

  “Well, thanks a lot, guys, but we should go see our friends,” Lee said.

  “You have real pretty hair,” Jittery Man said to Lee. “It’s so black.”

  When Lee pushed the window all the way open, cool air rushed into the room. I was shaking so much that I couldn’t get my foot into my flip-flop. Why. Won’t. It. Go. In? She glanced back at me and then Owen was at the window, blocking our way.

  “Now hold on a minute,” he said. “Charlie was nice enough to let you stay here. I think there should be some kind of payment. Don’t you?”

  “I can pay. How much? I don’t have a lot but I have some.” Forty dollars and my dad’s credit card. To be used for an emergency. Surely this was an emergency.

  “What do you think, twenty dollars?” Owen asked. Charlie shrugged.

  “I wanna party.” Jittery Man was bouncing his legs and fluttering his fingers back and forth, as if they’d been asleep and he was trying to get the feeling back. His eyes were so glassy that I couldn’t tell what color they were. “With the girls!”

  “Let’s have some fun, college girls.” Owen rubbed his hands together.

  “Look, we’ll pay you for the time we’ve been here,” Lee said. “But we’re not staying any longer. So get out of our way.”

  “No.” Owen shook his head. “Can’t do that.”

  My heart was pounding so hard that I thought it would rip a hole through my chest. I couldn’t swallow because something was wrong with my throat. And now I couldn’t take deep breaths. Why? And why couldn’t I feel my feet?

  “You came here for a reason.” Owen glanced at Charlie. “They want this.”

  “No, we came here to sleep.” Lee’s voice was so steady that I thought I saw Owen flinch. Oh, God, he wasn’t going to rape us. Charlie and Jittery Man wouldn’t, either. We were okay. Because that terrible thing couldn’t happen to us. We were nice girls. And they were nice guys. They had girlfriends, mothers, and sisters.

  “This doesn’t have to be a big deal,” Charlie said. “Let’s take this slow.”

  “You’re still a fucking pussy, Charlie,” Owen said.

  “Fuck you, Owen!” Charlie screamed as he launched out of the chair. Owen pushed him and I thought they were going to start swinging but then they turned to Lee at the same time and when she startled I felt a sob surge into my hot, dry throat.

  “I’m done fucking around!” Owen cried. “Who’s going first?”

  “No!” My knees buckled and I burst into hot tears. “No, no, please! I can give you my dad’s credit card!”

  “Daddy’s credit card!” Jittery Man bounced in his seat. “Daddy’s credit card! Daddy’s credit card!”

  “Shut the fuck up!” Charlie growled and then nodded at me. “Hey, Owen. She’s a virgin, I bet. The other one’s not a virgin, I can tell. Right, Pocahontas?”

  Owen’s nostrils flared as he looked at me with little black eyes that didn’t seem to see me. Sharp stings, with every heartbeat, raced up and down my back.

  “Please. Please!” I bawled. They didn’t have to do this. They could make something of their lives. Why have this on their consciences? This was worse than living an unexamined life. This was the worst thing they could do because they could never take it back. “Please. Please. Please! No!”

  “Let her go,” Lee said. “I’ll stay.”

  Everyone looked at her. What was she doing? What was she suggesting?

  “Right. Then crybaby goes and calls the cops.” Charlie pointed at me.

  “There’s no problem if I choose to stay.” She dropped her sleeping bag and pillow.

  I felt that stinging sensation again, this time across the back of my neck. My thick, dry tongue was caught on my teeth. I wanted to argue. I wanted to say no.

  The three of them looked at each other. And at that moment, while their attention was off of us, Lee motioned to the window with her eyes and mouthed, go now.

  The window. Of course! Adrenaline surged through me. Lee could take care of herself. She’d been on her own for years. I know guys like this. Anyone could see the difference between us. She wasn’t crying. She wasn’t a mess.

  When she handed her backpack to Owen, who stepped away from the window to take it, I lunged and dove into the night. My backpack caught the window frame and twisted me around so that I landed with a thud on my side. My head banged against something hard and from somewhere else in my body I felt an explosion of pain. Mud covered my hands and elbows.

  “Get her!” Owen said.

  I turned just as Jittery Man looked out. Then I pushed off because I had to get far, far away. But after running for blocks (two? Five? Six?), I realized that they weren’t coming, they weren’t chasing me, and a sickness rushed into my throat. I bent over and threw up in the gutter.

  Oh, my God, oh, my God. Lee. Let her go. I’ll stay. That was what she’d said. That was what she’d done. I had to get help. Where was Donny’s house?

  Rain came down in fast, cold bullets that pelted my face and bounced in the puddles near me. Something was burning, stinging. My knee? My foot? I whipped around, searching for Donny’s house, but couldn’t remember from which way I’d just run. Why didn’t I pay attention?

  Think!

  Was it this house? Or that one? They all had big windows. And a single door and tiny yards and look at these giant potholes in the street and why did Lee do that and where was that pain coming from? And where was our car? The Travelodge, oh, God, The Travelodge with the tub of peanut butter and Fig Newtons and sand between my toes and under my fingernails. It was in the back by a shed. I had to go to the bathroom and maybe I already went in my shorts and I was having a heart attack and then I crossed the street and ran back the other way. But what if I went by Charlie’s house? What if they were looking for me? Let her go. Let her go! I started to sob and I was frustrated and every second mattered.

  Get it together! I stopped and bent over, breathing deeply, then straightened. Cold rain stabbed my cheeks and shoulders. Lee. I had to save Lee.

  The streetlights. Donny’s house had no streetlights in front of it. But neither did Charlie’s. Donny had a chain-link fence. So did most of the houses. Then I remembered the kiddie pool, propped against Donny’s house. I ran one way for blocks, then turned and ran the other way. Minutes were tick tock ticking. Fifteen minutes. Five minutes. Twenty? Back and forth. Up and down.

  We’d turned a corner with Charlie. So, I ran back down the street, turned the corner and ran some more. And suddenly, finally, there was the kiddie pool. I threw open the gate and ran to the door but it was locked. I beat on it with my fists and screamed until finally Donny, dressed only in gym shorts, his ey
es slit-like and dreamy, opened it. “What the hell?”

  Sarah, our Greek sorority letters blazing across her long sleeve T-shirt, came up behind him, her eyes wide and her red hair springing wildly out of its ponytail. “Oh, my God, Clare, what happened?”

  “It’s Lee!” I sputtered. “We’ve got to get her!”

  Donny scratched his forehead. “What?”

  “We were going to sleep and two guys came in and they made us get up and they were going to make us and said we had to and I got away. But they kept Lee!”

  “Oh, shit!” Sarah wailed. “Are you kidding me?”

  “For fuck’s sake.” Donny turned into the house and returned pulling a T-shirt over his head.

  He’d save her. It wasn’t too late. I did the right thing, after all. Adrenaline surged through me again and something burned and stung on my leg, but I felt my head clear. Like the time I took Julie to Planned Parenthood. And when I talked my mom up off the marble bathroom floor at the North American Book Award ceremony. Yes, yes, now I knew what to do.

  “Get Ducky and your stuff in the car and follow us,” I said.

  “Take a left, go two blocks, take another left and we’ll be up on the right,” Donny said. Sarah nodded, and I turned and ran with him.

  The rain had finally stopped but the air was still wet and cool. We were quiet as we ran the four blocks—for God’s sake, it was right there, all this time—to Charlie’s house. The lights were off and the window was closed. Donny banged on the door as he yelled, “Open the door, Charlie. Open up the goddam door!”

  A dog began to bark. How much time had passed? Ten minutes? Thirty?

  Bang! Bang! Bang! “Open the goddam door, Charlie!”

  Nothing.

  Donny jumped off the step and rushed to the window. He tried to lift it but it was locked. I ran past him to the side door but it was locked, too.

  “Are you sure she’s in there?” Donny asked.

  “Yes!” What if we couldn’t get her out? “Donny, do something!”

  With his fists he beat on the front door again. Harder. “Open the door!”

  Sarah pulled up to the curb, headlights blazing, ran toward us, and began beating on the door, too. The headlights lit up the yard and I saw puddles. Cigarette butts. Bottles. Pizza boxes. A sleeping bag, splattered with mud, which couldn’t be mine, could it? And a rock the size of a softball. A sharp pain stabbed me somewhere below my right knee. I felt an unbearable weight suddenly settle on my shoulders and I staggered and almost fell against the house.